My 1.5 years had officially ended. Frankly speaking, i did not enjoy my 1.5 years' duration, but i did really enjoy the process. I mean at least i did not have to worry about homesickness and pocket money like other college/uni students. Tbh, i never really studied, never really put so much efforts to my studies in my life from primary to secondary, until i came to pre-u. I finally understood what is the definition of study. Throw back my form six life, i realize i really suffered a whole lot in the past three sems.

What had i learnt during the first sem: Attitude. I was overconfident, overestimate, imagined too much, set standards which are not quantifiable and put too high expectation on myself. Eventually knowing myself did not achieve any goals that already set, not even one. After all only realized myself chasing after a vague goal.

Lesson learnt then. Hours and hours of being studious, tried to master every each subjects and say no to social life, just to avoid the same things to be happened again. However, the most stupidest thing that i had ever done to myself during exams, pulling all-nighter before exams. The next morning i was extremely tired and couldn't even focus. Obviously i did not get enough of sleep and could not consolidate the memory and remember any of it. Results were not as i expected.

Last month, i was taking the third sem as well as repeating for the past two sems. The same, cramming for each exam and studying into the night (before 12am). Today, i eventually graduated. No more waking up early which i hate the most, no more wearing school uniforms, no more forcing myself to attend the classes. During school days i was not allowed to skip classes since i was a mpp, but actually i did it at least once or twice a week, that's why i often got complained.

Looking back my form six life and seeing myself had grown up so much, i was quite touched tough. The first day of form six i already started countingdown the graduation. Now, i deserved a long long long rest after the wars!!

I am trying.

It's been awhile. Reread my previous posts and somehow i felt very stupid so i deleted all of them. Since there's no one to turn to, i come to here. You know what, i'm so unhappy seriously until i refuse to go to school. Because thing happens repeatedly without stopping and it is all caused by me. I let my teacher disappointed this time, or maybe every time. It's all my fault because i did not perform well this time, i did not even use my brain to think of. I always have a feeling, the inferiority feeling whenever i don't get to perform something well and it happens whenever i start to compare myself with my friends around me. Most of them are smarter and always scoring higher grades, sometimes i'm quite jealous though. Comparison hurts, and it sucks too.

Why am i so brainless? This question has been flowing in my mind these few days and until now i've no idea why. I'm actually the type of person who is often frustrated when i have problems. But one thing good about me is no matter how difficult the situation is, i'll still go on and fight for it. Study really gives me a headache right now and it has made my mood gone. Maybe you'll think, nah it's just a small matter why so serious? It's true actually. But you know i can never disappoint the people around me, especially my parents. They have high expectations on me, expecting me to get good grades, expecting to get a good career in the future and i always wanted to impress them and make them feel proud of me. This is one of my dream in my dream list. People always say, "just don't care what others think of you, be yourself." I tried, and i actually care a whole lot what others think about me. I'm afraid of that i'm going to be gossiped about or to be judged about and their opinion affects me all the time. I'm such a loser, right? All i hope just to be smarter, smarter and smarter. I'll not give up, this is sure thing. God bless me.

Thank you for reading.